On Aug. 6, Sen. David Vitter, who is facing a tough reelection fight this fall, sent out an email with the subject line MUD ALERT! — outlining what he said were connections between his Democratic opponent, Rep. Charlie Melancon, and his eleventh-hour Republican opponent, north Louisiana’s Chet Traylor, whom he described as “nothing more than a tool and stalking horse for Charlie Melancon.” But it was a line later in the sixth paragraph of the email that seemed to indicate Vitter thought something was about to drop soon: “Vicious attacks are about to start,” he wrote, “and Charlie Melancon is clearly behind the push.” Elsewhere in the email, Vitter wrote, “And this Melancon led Republican Primary operation will start vicious attacks against me as early as Tuesday.”

Well, it’s Tuesday — and today Melancon released the first TV commercial of the campaign (which will not be running in the New Orleans and Baton Rouge TV markets):

“I’m Charlie Melancon, and I approved this message because David Vitter hasn’t been honest with Louisiana,” it begins. Not nice, perhaps — but “vicious attack”?

Vitter concluded his email with “More details to follow soon.” We’ll see — and we’ll see which camp they come from.

[This is an updated version of my Gambit column that will appear in the July 13 issue. It is updated because former Supreme Court Justice Chet Traylor qualified against David Vitter after the dead-tree edition of Gambit went to print.]

David Vitter is sticking with what works. When Louisiana’s embattled U.S. senator qualified for re-election on July 7, he dodged questions about his latest self-inflicted scandal and instead offered reporters a familiar refrain: that his chief Democratic opponent, Congressman Charlie Melancon, is too supportive of President Barack Obama.

Vitter’s tack showed that he hasn’t lost his touch for sidestepping scandals. No matter what the issue, no matter how embarrassing the question, Vitter sticks to his talking points. So far, that approach has served him well. He consistently led Melancon in pre-qualifying polls.

But now the race is on, and Vitter won’t be able to hide without putting his early lead at risk. In fact, he drew a respected Republican opponent in the final moments of qualifying when retired Louisiana Supreme Court Justice Chet Traylor of Monroe entered the GOP primary against Vitter. Traylor’s north Louisiana base, which is home to many Christian conservatives, normally would be Vitter territory, but voters there who are not quite comfortable with the senator’s “serious sin” — and his failure to forthrightly address his character issues — now have an alternative. It remains to be seen how aggressively Traylor will campaign, and whether he will out Vitter as a hypocrite and a coward.

National analysts have already declared this race a likely win for the GOP. They may wind up being right, but hotly contested statewide races in Louisiana tend to be close, no matter what the early polls show.

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My inbox is constantly filled with the desperate pleas of Nigerian princes and Chinese widows that miss my spam folder, where so many fake bank statements and male enhancement offers go to die. I routinely delete these messages, and the message I received from a Robert Philippe Webb de Orleans with the subject line “URGENT” nearly received the same fate. But a quick glance at this message told me this guy is not some spambot, firing phishy missives from somewhere in Africa: he appears to be a real life crazy person, and he wants to be the king of Louisiana.

Addressed to Mitch Landrieu, Bobby Jindal, James D. “Buddy” Caldwell, Mary Landrieu and David Vittler, the 2,172-word email begins with Webb claiming to be the descendant of royalty, a relative of Robert E. Lee and a member of the Lykes shipping family.

Meet Robert Philippe Webb — your next king.

He advocates seceding from the union, doesn’t like President Obama very much, talks about some conspiracy theories, is sore about the Louisiana Purchase, and would totally let Jindal and crew have jobs under his leadership. Here some of the highlights:

• “President Barrack Obama worries me deeply. He is part of a massive Nazi and Mafia based Eugenics Conspiracy underway in The Federal Government’s intelligence circles.”
• “I am writing to formally express my willingness in this turbulent time to lead The People of New Orleans, Louisiana and The Louisiana Purchase Territory as lawfully installed King of Louisiana. There is no clear leadership in these lands which rightfully belong to me and my Family.”
• ”I would be willing to offer each of you a Title and position in a new government which I propose to lawfully put in place with International United Nations Laws and the support of all The Citizens in my Homeland.”
• “There are many of these violations but in particular I cite The United States Federal Government’s creating The HIV and AIDS Virus in 1970 at Ft. Detrick, Maryland’s Biological Weapons Laboratory.”
• “It is our legal right to bear arms against a Tyrannical and unwanted oppressive Government. I do however advocate my peaceful installation.”

I checked out his website, and apparently he’s an architect? I guess with this oil disaster going on, we all want to do something. While some of us just want to donate hair that may or may not be used for oil booms, or scrub oil-slicked ducks with Dawn soap, or never go to a BP gas station ever, ever again, this guy wants to be king. Just his way of coping. And it’s in his blood.

The entirety of his weirdo email is after the jump.

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Mike Spears created waves in Louisiana Republican circles yesterday when he announced he would be running for the Senate seat now held by David Vitter — as an independent and “constitutional conservative.” Spears’ announcement was carried in many Louisiana newspapers (including The Times-Picayune), and he was interviewed on Fox News Radio affiliate KVOL-AM.

Spears, a former Louisiana National Guardsman, is now a Lafayette-based entrepreneur who runs his own Web development company, Firefly Digital. He told Gambit this morning, “When we try to reach out to Washington, nobody seems to respond. They continue to do things contrary to the will of the American people. I am running as an independent, not as a representative of the Tea Party. What I am saying is that my ideals and beliefs are consistent with the Tea Party, and it’s an affiliation I’m proud to say I’m a part of.”

Spears also took a swipe at Vitter in print when he condemned last week’s decision by a U.S. federal judge finding the National Day of Prayer to be unconstitutional, writing on the Louisiana political website The Hayride:

Last week a Federal judge ruled the National Day of Prayer, unconstitutional. This is an attack on the Constitution. Where is Senator Vitter, or any of the other Republicans in Congress on this issue? Our Congressmen must defend the Constitution at all costs. It is the foundation, the wellspring of our liberties and freedom. Today, its the National Day of Prayer. Tomorrow it may be the right to private property or the right to bear arms.

In the “About Mike” section of his website, Spears also spelled out his biography while making some not-so-oblique references to Vitter’s “very serious sin”:

Mike Spears is a devoted husband, entrepreneur, successful small business owner and dedicated community leader. Alarmed at the corruption and irresponsible behavior of sitting Congressmen, Mike has decided to take a stand and is running for U.S. Senate ….

Like many Americans Mike has proven himself a successful innovator and small business owner. His credibility is strengthened by an impressive portfolio of relevant community service work. Mike’s arrival in Washington is sure to shake-up the political “status quo.”

Omitted from the entrepreneurial resume on his election site was one of Spears’ side businesses, one more colorful than that of Web provider: Spears owns a company called Molle Tache, where he calls himself “The Dog Designer.”

Molle Tache (French for ’soft spot’) sells high-end pet furniture and fashions “fitting for any dog’s home, personality and lifestyle,” and Spears has written that his dream as The Dog Designer is to have his own reality show and become the “host of an wildly popular dog style and fashion TV program.”

A June 2008 profile of Spears in the Lafayette weekly The Independent mentions that Spears does all the design and manufacturing for Molle Teche himself, including the “Stage Coach” dog bed ($28,500) and the “Queen’s Obsession” ($18,500), “a four poster bed with a Swarovski crystal chandelier.”

The Dog Designer’s couture pieces includes canine clothing lines with names like “The Little Socialite Collection” (a sleeveless dog gown with “ruffled accents on the collar and skirt and pearl buttons along the back line”), the “EuroStyle,” “Dress Blues,” and “Lace Formal” (”It’s exquisite and charming, playful and elegant. It’s exactly what a sophisticated dog requires for any affair, particularly one in your honor! The Lace Formal features a well-fitted jacked, layered laced over satin with prim lace trimmings, adorned with Victorian buttons along the back. Underneath is a delicate ruffled blouse, with a lace collar”).

Spears (who, along with wife Ilse, has five dogs, all rescue animals) laughed when asked about his alternate identity as the Dog Designer. “I was one of those guys who watched This Old House and The New Yankee Workshop,” he said. “Once I had my own workshop, then I got these 2 little Yorkies, and taught myself how to do upholstery and build furniture.” Spears said his life as the Dog Designer was a side business and hobby that’s been shelved, partially due to the recession: “They take so much time to do that I have to price them outrageously. I’ve sold quite a few smaller pieces, but the larger pieces — I haven’t sold any,” and added he’s also put aside hopes of hosting a reality show: “All that sort of stuff sort of died when the recession hit. I recognized I didn’t have the time or resources into that venture.”

Spears says he’s now concentrating on national politics, and strategizing about how to compete with the war chests already built up by the leading contenders in the race, Vitter and Rep. Charlie Melancon. He says his campaign will likely be funded by small individual donations: “I don’t want to ally my campaign with special interests. We have adopted a Pledge of Fidelity regardless of the source of our contributions.”

Above all, Spears added, is his concern for the U.S. Constitution and America’s future: “I just recently got married and we’re planning on having kids, and I look at their future — the way things are changing now — and it worries me.” But he’s hopeful about his campaign.

“We thought we’d have a slow start, but our original launch and our press conference generated a lot of stir,” Spears said, adding he hadn’t heard much from Melancon supporters yet. “But I have seen a lot of commentary from the strong Vitter supporters, and the feeling is: ‘Finally. Wow. We have a choice.”

Fans of Sen. David Vitter’s Facebook page (a group of which I am a devoted member) might be wondering about a strange echolalia that’s been popping up in the senator’s status reports for the last 24 hours: The senator has four children and he can’t seem to stop mentioning the fact.

First there was this update:

OK. I guess if you’re setting out to make the Internet safer for our children, it’s relevant that you may have children yourself. But what to make of this update just a couple hours later?

Even those of us without 4 children can probably find common ground in this: Road safety is important. And then, just this morning:

I think we get the point: David Vitter has four children. What does it all mean?