Do you remember back in the day, before virtually every profession was represented on a televised competition, before “real” housewives bombarded us with their delusions, before the dawn of skank buses? In the grand history of television, it was around the time when shows like “Survivor” and “Big Brother” first came into existence, when “reality” television still somewhat resembled real life. But even though shows (like the aforementioned two) with loosely scripted premises were popping up, all you really had to do to keep people entertained was show plastic surgeries on television. Those were the good ol’ days.

To give people what they wanted, E! created a series in 2004 that combined the rubberneck appeal of televised surgeries with America’s fascination with dumb, rich people: “Dr. 90210,” which featured many before-and-after photos and blurry breast augmentations, was born.

Have you wondered what the show’s star plastic surgeon, Dr. Robert Rey, is up to these days? No? Well, naturally he’s touring the country to tell us we don’t actually need surgery to look good. Tomorrow from 1 p.m. to 3 p.m., Dr. 90210 himself will make an appearance at Sears (4400 Veterans Memorial Blvd., Metairie) to divulge his secrets for enhancing your shape without surgery. Hint: it has something to do with his line of shape wear.

In case you don’t know what shape wear is, it basically does for fat what those Pillsbury tubes do for pre-made biscuit dough. And also, according to the press release, it’s the perfect accessory:

Whether interested in knowing how to hide that unwelcome “muffin top” for an upcoming romantic date or simply unsure of what to wear with your little black dress, Dr. Rey will be available to answer any and all styling questions… and he’s not keeping any secrets!

Let’s hope that date doesn’t get too romantic, or else that “muffin top” compressed under the tightest of tight spandex won’t be so hidden anymore, now will it?

We’ve received several emails in anticipation of this, and the day has finally arrived: free pancakes, ya’ll.

IHOP locations around the country are giving away free short stacks — three buttermilk pancakes — in honor of National Pancake Day (a day I’m pretty sure was arbitrarily created by IHOP. I suppose as the international pancake house, they have the authority to do such things). But don’t be a freeloader: IHOP is also asking for donations to the Children’s Miracle Network, and donations from the New Orleans stores will go to the CMN program at Children’s Hospital.

And it keeps getting better. For those who enjoy their free-ish pancakes at the new Downtown location (833 Canal St.), you also get to hang out with Miss New Orleans (who may or may not have a name), who will be there with “other beauty queens.” Because when I think of beauty queens, the first thing I think of is stacks of buttery carb discs.

Here’s the other nearby IHOP locations: 12150 I-10 Service Rd., 151 Westbank Expressway, Gretna; 1719 Manhattan Blvd., Harvey; 3400 South I-10 Service Road W., Metairie; 3400 Williams Blvd., Kenner; 61101 Airport Rd., Slidell.

Porn star and Baton Rouge native Stormy Daniels will be coming to New Orleans on Wednesday, May 6, when the star of Frosty the Snow Ho, Meatless in Seattle and Pork Rangers 2 “will continue her conversation with the citizens of Louisiana and listen to the ongoing struggles they face in these troubled economic times.”

It’s the latest salvo from Draft Stormy, the grassroots movement to unseat Sen. David Vitter in the 2010 Senate race sell beaucoup DVDs and get a lot of publicity. Not that you would know it from the Draft Stormy Web site:

What seemed like temporary clouds only months ago have transformed into a tropical storm approaching category one hurricane status. When DraftStormy launched its efforts to draft Baton Rouge native Stormy Daniels to run for United States Senate late last January, we were labeled a “cheap political stunt.” The old Louisiana status quo that has been in power for decades could not comprehend the tsunami of grassroots support Stormy Daniels generated among the working men and women of Louisiana.

The aforementioned cheap political stunt kicks off at noon at Serio’s Po’ Boys & Deli (133 St. Charles Ave.), home of some of the best muffulettas in town. (You can write your own joke here.)

(The best part of Stormy’s press release is the ad automatically appended to the bottom of the message by AOL (don’t all political campaigns use throwaway AOL accounts to send out their press releases?). It reads: Join ChristianMingle.com® FREE! Meet Christian Singles in your area. Start now!)

Losing your house? Let Uncle Bob help out!

Buffalo, NY, March 10, 2009 – Uncle Bob’s Self Storage® announced plans to help customers defray the up-front costs of renting and moving into a storage space. This limited-time offer is open to all new customers at over 350 locations nationwide. The Company hopes their version of a stimulus package will help those who may be facing financial challenges.

“Recently, we’ve seen an increase in demand for storage from customers who need to rent versus customers who choose to rent. The housing crisis has caused people to become displaced and storage is now a necessity, not a convenience,” said Edward Killeen, Uncle Bob’s Self Storage® Executive Vice President. He added, “Uncle Bob’s wants to help reduce the financial pressure our customers may be facing.”

In addition to offering the traditional industry discount of one-half off March rent, Uncle Bob’s is allowing new customers to “name their price” for their rent in April. “The idea is to help our customers secure a storage space with minimal money down, plus give them an extra month to get settled,” Killeen explained. “If they choose to pay one dollar for the entire month of April, so be it.”

Initial customer reaction to the program has been extremely positive. According to Diane Piegza, Vice President of Corporate Communications, “Customers like the fact that they can pick their own price to pay. They feel empowered.”

Yeah, I may be sleeping in my car and washing up in the bathroom at the Shell station, but dammit, Uncle Bob is empowering me!